Illusions

I woke up this morning and felt compelled to write.  That's wrong.  I woke up this morning feeling like I was connected to something more than my meek so-called life.  I woke up this morning connected to something so much bigger than what I could ever explain here in this post.  So I am compelled to write before this window closes, and it will close, because moments like the one I am having right now are rare, at least in my life. 

Illusions.

We think we are here to learn and grow up so we can go out into the world and make money and have a family and own things and be with people so we can be happy.  Wrong.  We are here to learn, yes, about all the things around us so that we can get a clear reflection of who we are.  We are here to learn to love others (and for some of us, ourselves) unconditionally.  We are here to find out what we are made of and if there really are limits in this world to what we can do.  Some of us search and search and what is that about?  It is about God.  We are searching for God and the relationship that we once had with him.  We are not even aware that that is what we are looking for we are so caught up in our restlessness or escapism.  So we go thru life making decisions based on what we want, which in most cases will prove not good for us.  This relationship with God is very much connected with the relationship that we have with ourselves and our very own heart. 

Illusions.

We think we are fighting about who didn't do the dishes but no, nothing is that simple, go deeper.  Whenever we comment or make a judgment, we think we are revealing some truth, but no, go deeper.  The career we choose, we think will open doors to success and we will reach an achievement that will be applauded, but no, go deeper.  They are all illusions presented to us for us to touch the surface, experience, and then to go deeper.

Illusions.

It is sort of like falling in love.  We meet someone, get to know them on a surface level.  Our hearts are open and all is right with the world.  But then things happen and conflict rears its ugly head and we are introduced to reality.  But no, go deeper. 

Illusions.

They are all illusions, pulling us away from who we are and unless we grapple with the things that we think are so important, and really go deeper and begin to understand their true role in this thing we call life, we will live a life that just touches the surface of who we are and what we are capable of, and most importantly, who God is.

What a wonderful morning.

The Light in the Dark

Sometimes when I am lying in bed with my eyes shut and just about to fall asleep, I will see out of the darkness, on what appears to be inside my eyelid, a blurred white patch come into focus and then disappear.

Whenever this happens, I wonder if this is the light that we hear people speak of when they have a near-death experience.

I wonder if I focus hard enough on the patch of light, if it will turn into the tunnel or conduit that will lead me to God.

I wonder during the fleeting few seconds when the patch is getting bigger and brighter, and if I stay focused on the patch and continue to watch, it grows so big that without even realizing it, I am inside of it, just innocently focusing on following the light, not knowing where it will lead.

I wonder if I stay focused, will I find my brain? Or, on this journey through the light will I see my loved ones who have passed? I wonder, will I see God?

But then, right then, the patch disappears. It dissolves into black. The darkness is there once again. And then, it starts all over: a white speck, lots of white specks coming together to form an imperfect ball.

My mind starts wondering all over again.

The Meaning of Christmas, Remembering the Birth of Jesus

It's December 30th and getting ready for the New Year. But before doing that, let's take one last long look at the 30 days that just passed.

Looking back, I feel that the focus was not where it should have been. It was on family and giving, all really very nice, but I see now that the focus was misplaced.

I have been studying the Bible the last 1-2 years and right now, I feel very strongly that next Christmas will be very different. I will have family near and giving will surely be highlighted. But in 2011, the focus will be on Jesus and His birth.

What will next Christmas look like?

1. Everything I do will have a connection to his birth, i.e., the presents I give, the grace I say, the cards I send, everything.
2. I will send an email to my children, sisters, and friends Bible passages that will hopefully offer inspiration.
3. I will post in my neighborhood association an entry that I will be collecting food and clothing for those in need.
4. I will carry an extra Bible with me to offer to someone who appears in need.
5. I will be adding to this list as the ideas surface. I want to be bold. It would be something if I could just do these things all year long and not just on Christmas.

One goal at a time.

40 Days and 40 Nights

A slice of a life...

• October 2nd - All is well
• October 3rd - Mom's apartment caught on fire; Mom moved in with me
• October 7th - Learned that my daughter was pregnant and she was getting married (to a wonderful guy) on the 15th
• October 14th - Drove down to San Diego with my son and mother for my daughter's wedding
• October 15th - Attended my daughter's wedding
• October 30th - Found out my daughter may have a molar pregnancy
• November 1st - Grandpa Patrick passed away
• November 3rd - Mom moved into new apartment
• November 10th - Confirmed that they could see by ultrasound that my daughter had only a sac and no baby
• November 10th - My daughter had a procedure to have sac removed and a biopsy to determine if the abnormal cells were cancerous

These last 40 days have been like a cyclone to my system in processing everything, and for the last 4 days, I have been sick with a flu/cold that I know is directly related to the processing of all that has recently happened. It seems like it's all a sinus thing, but what it feels like is that my body is crying on the inside. Crying and grieving and feeling and reflecting. Sitting here with a stuffed nose, a scratchy throat, and tear-filled eyes, I know that every word I am saying is the truth.

Too much going on. I am on overload.

The good news is that everything turned out okay.

No one was hurt in the fire. After about 2 weeks and much deliberation, we found that the best solution for my mom was to find another apartment in her old neck of the woods so that her routine would not be interrupted. She can continue to go to fitness daily and be home in time to watch her favorite soaps, and then throw a tv dinner in the microwave, and maybe go for a walk around the park. She's in her own place again and loves it!

My daughter today is feeling so much relief as she is no longer feeling the pressure on the left side of her abdomen that she felt before the procedure and was probably the first sign her body gave her that something might be wrong. She is feeling better, thank God, and hopefully her biopsy will show that she is healthy once again. With all that said, I feel her loss over a baby that she only knew a short while. There is a sadness there that is almost unspeakable and going to the depths of that feeling is so raw and unforgiving. My daughter is brave and she is persistent, so I feel almost certain she will one day have the family she has been denied for right now.

On Friday, I will be attending Grandpa Patrick's buriel and visiting the buriel site of Grandma Patrick who passed away earlier this year, where hopefully closure will take place. I have really wonderful memories of my childrens' grandparents, the parents of my ex-husband, and on Friday, I will say what I couldn't say to them while they were alive. I've been talking to them all week you know, trying to sort out my feelings and the bottom line is that I am so sorry that I hurt them. I know I did when I stopped loving their son as my husband. I look back on the person I was then and see how self-centered I was, thinking only of myself. I only wish that I would have been reading and living in God's Word back then. I know that things would have turned out different.

The Bible says, "Honor thy father and mother." This Friday, I will honor Grandma's and Grandpa's lives and the difference they made in mine. Closure is important but more important is that my children understand what good people they came from. How things turned out was they didn't get to know their grandparents until they were older. I know that it could have been so different if I had not been so selfish. They missed out on so much of their grandchildren's stories and now their grandchildren, my children, have some memories of them, but I know my role is to let them know how good they were and how much they loved them.

So, let these 40 days be over. Friday will be a good day. By the grace of God, my tears are washing away the fermented hurt and replacing it with a fresh and holy slate.

Life is not great, but it is good.

Wallie's Wedding

Family. What would we do and who would we be without family? Why is it the people you love and care about the deepest are the very same people that can break you down, wear you out, and turn your life into a series of chaotic and wired moments?

My wonderful daughter was married to a wonderful man Saturday. For me, the day was about her and making that day a highlight of how special and holy marriage is and the rite of passage that her life will never be the same again. For the most part, I think that happened. My hope is that happened.

But I realize now that my emphasis was wrongly placed. I realize now that I forgot something. I forgot to acknowledge God's hand in all of it. I realize now that the emphasis should have been placed on Him, and offering this day as a celebration of His love, and thanking Him for this moment, my daughter, her new husband, their love for each other, and asking for God's blessing. I realize now that it should have been about Him and His love.

If I would have done that, I think that certain things that happened, would not have happened. When God is not acknowledged, people think that they are in control. They think that it is their doing if something is a success, and if it's a failure, well, that's a subject for another blog entry. If the emphasis would have been placed on God and His love, egos would have been left at the door.

I believe people want to do the right thing. I've learned that it's not just about the outcome of doing the right thing, it's also about the process or path implemented to get there. For example, pictures taken at a wedding are important. They are to last for a lifetime and will hopefully be something that the bride and groom will cherish as the most important day of their lives and serve as a reminder through the years of the love that was present that day, inspiring them to hold on to that day and to keep their hearts soft for each other.

I see now that the pictures represent something more. They represent a moment in time when friends and family come together to support the two spirits who have chosen each other as life partners, and to reflect the goodness and holiness of their decision. I can see as the photograher looks through the camera lense, that he is trying to capture not just the moment in time, but the spark, the glint of love in the spirits who are present.

And the pictures that were taken do just that. They captured it all, and more. If only we could take the camera's lense and turn it on ourselves so that we could better see ourselves and to understand the reasons for the things we do, and to go further, to zoom in and show us what we need to see so that we can change our ways and be lovingly productive instead of unconsciously destructive. That old cliche is true, a picture can say a thousand words. The pictures came out beautiful. Now if only we can forget the words.

Dear Lord, please bless this marriage. Please bless all those people who attended the wedding. Remind us that you are in control and it is through others that we serve you. Thank you for all you have done for us and for your love. Where would we be without you.

Good Morning America

So I am trying to understand it all. From what I have observed the last few months, it is now clear that the people that currently make up our administration are trying to rule out God, nullify that He exists, erasing any trace of Him, even going so far as to say that the Ten Commandments were not instrumental when our laws were first passed. I hear that this is all based on separation of Church and State. Well, just to put it out there, I am afraid. I am not afraid for myself. I am afraid for my children, and their children, and their children's children.

We are going down a path that to me seems clear. We are destroying ourselves. We do not need to worry about Iran getting the bomb and obliterating us because we are on the verge of doing that to ourselves. We see the Tea Parties surfacing and they are demonized and called bigots just for speaking up. ObamaCare says it all.

We humans have four components that make up who we are: the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. ObamaCare will cover the physical, the mental, and the emotional, however, it is clear it will not cover the spiritual. Because again, it seems that this administration is trying to do away with God. It is trying to take Him out of our schools, out of our government, OUT OF OUR LIVES.

History has shown that nations without spirituality are primed for dictatorship. I do not mean nations that have had religion forced on them, as some middle eastern and other nations have mandated, or at least threatened. Side note here: After the war, Japan's emperor told General MacArthur that he wanted to mandate that Japan be a Christian nation. MacArthur told him that he could not do that because to become Christian, people must do it on their own, voluntarily, no coercing, they must ask themselves for Jesus to come into their hearts. Little does anyone know how that moment changed history.

So, what can we do? We can remind our President and representatives how important God is to this country and to our lives. Even Abraham Lincoln, who never declared his religious bent, said that he believed the scriptures were true, that the Bible is the inspired word of God. Bottom line, without God, we are nothing. Without God we are destined to be a chaotic and loveless nation. Without God, the world might go on, but who in his or her right mind would want to live here? Not me. Would you?

Be Who You Are

Do not be afraid.