- October 2nd - All is well
- October 3rd - Mom's apartment caught on fire; Mom moved in with me
- October 7th - Learned that my daughter was pregnant and she was getting married (to a wonderful guy) on the 15th
- October 14th - Drove down to San Diego with my son and mother for my daughter's wedding
- October 15th - Attended my daughter's wedding
- October 30th - Found out my daughter may have a molar pregnancy
- November 1st - Grandpa Patrick passed away
- November 3rd - Mom moved into new apartment
- November 10th - Confirmed that they could see by ultrasound that my daughter had only a sac and no baby
- November 10th - My daughter had a procedure to have sac removed and a biopsy to determine if the abnormal cells were cancerous
These last 40 days have been like a cyclone to my system in processing everything, and for the last 4 days, I have been sick with a flu/cold that I know is directly related to the processing of all that has recently happened. It seems like it's all a sinus thing, but what it feels like is that my body is crying on the inside. Crying and grieving and feeling and reflecting. Sitting here with a stuffed nose, a scratchy throat, and tear-filled eyes, I know that every word I am saying is the truth.
Too much going on. I am on overload.
The good news is that everything turned out okay.
No one was hurt in the fire. After about 2 weeks and much deliberation, we found that the best solution for my mom was to find another apartment in her old neck of the woods so that her routine would not be interrupted. She can continue to go to fitness daily and be home in time to watch her favorite soaps, and then throw a tv dinner in the microwave, and maybe go for a walk around the park. She's in her own place again and loves it!
My daughter today is feeling so much relief as she is no longer feeling the pressure on the left side of her abdomen that she felt before the procedure and was probably the first sign her body gave her that something might be wrong. She is feeling better, thank God, and hopefully her biopsy will show that she is healthy once again. With all that said, I feel her loss over a baby that she only knew a short while. There is a sadness there that is almost unspeakable and going to the depths of that feeling is so raw and unforgiving. My daughter is brave and she is persistent, so I feel almost certain she will one day have the family she has been denied for right now.
On Friday, I will be attending Grandpa Patrick's buriel and visiting the buriel site of Grandma Patrick who passed away earlier this year, where hopefully closure will take place. I have really wonderful memories of my childrens' grandparents, the parents of my ex-husband, and on Friday, I will say what I couldn't say to them while they were alive. I've been talking to them all week you know, trying to sort out my feelings and the bottom line is that I am so sorry that I hurt them. I know I did when I stopped loving their son as my husband. I look back on the person I was then and see how self-centered I was, thinking only of myself. I only wish that I would have been reading and living in God's Word back then. I know that things would have turned out different.
The Bible says, "Honor thy father and mother." This Friday, I will honor Grandma's and Grandpa's lives and the difference they made in mine. Closure is important but more important is that my children understand what good people they came from. How things turned out was they didn't get to know their grandparents until they were older. I know that it could have been so different if I had not been so selfish. They missed out on so much of their grandchildren's stories and now their grandchildren, my children, have some memories of them, but I know my role is to let them know how good they were and how much they loved them.
So, let these 40 days be over. Friday will be a good day. By the grace of God, my tears are washing away the fermented hurt and replacing it with a fresh and holy slate.
Life is not great, but it is good.
Too much going on. I am on overload.
The good news is that everything turned out okay.
No one was hurt in the fire. After about 2 weeks and much deliberation, we found that the best solution for my mom was to find another apartment in her old neck of the woods so that her routine would not be interrupted. She can continue to go to fitness daily and be home in time to watch her favorite soaps, and then throw a tv dinner in the microwave, and maybe go for a walk around the park. She's in her own place again and loves it!
My daughter today is feeling so much relief as she is no longer feeling the pressure on the left side of her abdomen that she felt before the procedure and was probably the first sign her body gave her that something might be wrong. She is feeling better, thank God, and hopefully her biopsy will show that she is healthy once again. With all that said, I feel her loss over a baby that she only knew a short while. There is a sadness there that is almost unspeakable and going to the depths of that feeling is so raw and unforgiving. My daughter is brave and she is persistent, so I feel almost certain she will one day have the family she has been denied for right now.
On Friday, I will be attending Grandpa Patrick's buriel and visiting the buriel site of Grandma Patrick who passed away earlier this year, where hopefully closure will take place. I have really wonderful memories of my childrens' grandparents, the parents of my ex-husband, and on Friday, I will say what I couldn't say to them while they were alive. I've been talking to them all week you know, trying to sort out my feelings and the bottom line is that I am so sorry that I hurt them. I know I did when I stopped loving their son as my husband. I look back on the person I was then and see how self-centered I was, thinking only of myself. I only wish that I would have been reading and living in God's Word back then. I know that things would have turned out different.
The Bible says, "Honor thy father and mother." This Friday, I will honor Grandma's and Grandpa's lives and the difference they made in mine. Closure is important but more important is that my children understand what good people they came from. How things turned out was they didn't get to know their grandparents until they were older. I know that it could have been so different if I had not been so selfish. They missed out on so much of their grandchildren's stories and now their grandchildren, my children, have some memories of them, but I know my role is to let them know how good they were and how much they loved them.
So, let these 40 days be over. Friday will be a good day. By the grace of God, my tears are washing away the fermented hurt and replacing it with a fresh and holy slate.
Life is not great, but it is good.
No comments:
Post a Comment