2010

2010 is going to be a good year. Everyone is healthy and all is well, at least as far as I can tell. I sometimes wish I could see what's coming down the pike in a crystal ball, or if I wanted the easy out, I could just subscribe to Nostradamus' manifesto. But hark (the herald angels sing), those options just aren't good enough, nor are they even close to giving me what I want and need.

This year, I will leave it up to the Lord and have faith that whatever happens, it is His plan. I no longer feel like I need to know the details. I only need to be present, as in the long term, that may be all that matters.

It is so easy to take it all for granted, don't you think? Such as our health, our loved ones, our insight, our story. We live day-to-day, thinking that there is always tomorrow. And, if we are lucky, tomorrow comes, everyone stays healthy, and our story continues for one more day.

It's 2010. A new year, a new beginning, a time to crawl out of our old skin and into a new one, to inhale deeply, and to see all that is around us with new eyes.

Happy New Year!! I hope we grow old together and enjoy all that is good around us for a long time to come.

Love and Peace.

Thanksgiving

Where do you start when giving thanks and where does it end?

I guess it starts at the moment of conception. Or does it? What if it starts before? And if it starts before, how much before? Who are you thanking and when are you done giving thanks? Are you ever really done? Life is a mystery, yes it is.

At the risk of sounding like an old Steve Martin movie, everywhere I go, everything I see, everyone I meet, everything I touch, it's all a miracle to me. So where do I begin? My heart holds every experience and every memory so that is where I must begin. When I think of someone or something, it is like the thought comes forth and there it is, I'm conscious of it. However, when I add my feelings to it, whatever the thought might be, I go deeper. When I go deeper, I feel my breath and feel one with the moment and then I take that moment and whisper, "thank you". Thank you for it all, even what seems to be the ugly along with the good, I mean, I give thanks for all of it. These are the moments that I marvel in and relish and cherish. Who am I thanking? Is anyone even listening? It is all about faith. For me, someone is listening and without that Someone, life has no meaning.

I am thankful for it all, family, friends, co-workers, strangers, the ocean, breathing, music, trees, flowers, colors, my children laughing, love, and the list goes on and on.

Remembering Our Fathers

It seems I have been searching my whole life for answers. In between living life; raising 3 children, working, making jam, playing my guitar, reading, and everything else, I have been aching in my heart for something, even though I really didn't know what that something might be. I explored different religions to in a way, try them on and see if they fit. None ever did. I was raised a Catholic, receiving Baptism, Communion, and even Confirmation, and still, that religion felt too tight around the neck.

I am in my mid-fifties now, my children are grown, and I have the time to reflect that I never had before. It could be because I do not have any grandchildren yet, or, it could be because I am getting closer to the finish line, my finish line. On the other hand, it could be that I am in reflection mode now just as I have always been, only now am I mature enough to understand my feelings. I would like to think it is the latter.

For me, it seems when I have drifted away from The Father, I felt lost. I was going through the motions, doing what I needed to do, still I knew that something was missing. I learned to preoccupy my mind and to rationalize that not thinking about it was good enough, that my life was moving along, with the pain deep enough, and that if I just stayed busy, everything would work out. This was all done unconsciously of course.

For years, I have been searching for a church, a place in my mind where people who are like-minded, who want to better their lives, and who believe in a higher purpose of serving someone other than themselves, go, to hang out together. I believe I found this church three weeks ago. I knew I felt "home" when tears started rolling down my cheeks for no apparent reason other than feeling so moved to be there. The only way I can describe it is that it felt like home.

I also cry every time I think of Jesus, on that cross, and how he died for us. I am crying now as I type these words.

Today is my father's birthday. If he had stuck it out, he would have been 80 years old today. My family and I would have most likely gathered around him and celebrated with the usual cake and gifts. Instead, my mother and I will be going to his place of burial and we will most likely say a prayer that he is in a better place and with God.

Today I will also be going to church to see what else I can learn. I already know where the answers are, and where I feel safe to explore this unknown territory that is there just waiting for me. I will be honoring those who gave me life; The Father of souls, who is all-knowing, as well as my father, who was on the search, just as I am, just as we all are. I want to believe that my father and I have come to a place of peace and understanding, even if my experience is just for a moment. I will take that moment and savor it.

Today is about my father and remembering who he was, and my Father, who has helped me to remember who I am. Either way, I am home.

To Barbara - Happy Birth Day

Two weeks ago, my children's grandmother passed away. Her name was Barbara (even though I know firsthand that there was a short period in her life when she went by her middle name Laurel). She was a lovely woman in every way and her loss is surely felt by Pat, her husband of over 50 years, her son, and her grandchildren.

Greg, my children's father (and my ex), was born to Barbara and Pat in San Diego and grew up on Bernardo Street in Sunnyvale.

Today, our daughter Wallie, who currently lives in San Diego, is visiting with her grandfather and father in San Luis Obispo. She is there to offer her support and to help remember and celebrate her grandmother's life.

I on the other hand went to another Barbara's 90th birthday party today. The party was given by her daughter who lives right off of Bernardo Street in Sunnyvale. Many people came to offer their support, create a memory, and to celebrate her life.

The twists and turns never stop. They are in our lives daily if we just pay attention. They sometimes feel like reminders, sort of like a little tap on the shoulder, only when we turn to look, no one is there, or so we think.

Do It Afraid, Just Do It

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you did that one thing that your whole life you were afraid to do? Do you think it would make you a better person? Would the consequences be such that all involved would benefit? Would it in any way have a negative impact? All good questions and ones that need to be considered before making the decision of conquering one's demons, or really, one's fears.

So what are these fears? For some it's fear of failure, for some it's fear of success. One might be fear of snakes, and for some, fear of man's (and woman's) best friend, dogs. What I believe it all boils down to though, whatever your fear might be, is that we are afraid of ourselves and of what we might find out about ourselves if we venture too far from our comfort zone.

Comfort zones are nice. We wish we could live there forever. But the truth is, one will never grow, at least not much, if they stay within the confines of comfort. So today I want to do something different, something I have never done before. Do I know what that is or will be? Nope, sure don't. You will have to read tomorrow's entry to find out what that new and different thing is that I'll be doing today and that will change my life as I know it for all time. Too dramatic you say? We'll see and hope to see you tomorrow.

Life Happens in Waves

Since my last entry, life has been decent. There has been lots of activity, as usual, with highs and lows and in-betweens. If a negative situation arose, it was positified (is that a word? I don't think so, but it should be!). If there was a dull stretch, which in my book is a good thing, as soon as I got comfortable, whammo!, life let me know that I am definitely not the one in control. With that said, it has been made all too clear that if nothing else, I can at least somewhat control my reactions to events.

People have said wonderful things about me lately, even contacted my boss just to let her know how great I am. The words are nice to hear, but take care and realize that they are just words. In conjunction with my last entry, I know who I am and I know I am not an evil person, nor am I some angel. I am only human and really trying to live my life by Rudyard Kipling's words and act the same and re-act the same, no matter what other people may think, or say, about me (paraphrasing here). Mr. Kipling's poem "IF" was written specifically for his son, but its tendrils touch me as a global truth that we can apply to make our lives better.

As my daughter would say, "When I grow up, I want to be like me."

Let the waves come. I'm ready.

http://www.adamandtiffy.com/docs/if.html

Wanted: Ultra Ray Lighthouse

I work for a local college by day. Yesterday, we disenrolled students for nonpayment, which is not unusual as we do this every month, after every due date. Today, a student's parents came into our office who wanted to pay for their daughter's classes. I explained to them that the payment was due yesterday and their daughter's classes were gone. I explained that now she needs to attend the first day of instruction and obtain an add code from the professor if the class is still open. They were not happy. The mother said to me while looking me straight in the eyes, "We need to speak to someone else. You are upsetting us." I did as she requested and called for a manager who basically said the very same thing I said, however, I guess she did not make them upset.

I'm trying to figure it out. Did I remind them of someone from a past experience whom they did not like? Was my lipstick on wrong? What about my tone? Was it in any way mean-spirited? What to do.

Whenever we hire anyone new in our office, we always tell them to never take anything personal. If someone is upset, it really is not about you. For the most part, I believe this. I wonder though at the same time if maybe the unseen is doing its thing. Incidents like this one certainly make life interesting as long as they don't drive you to distraction, and maybe we are not meant to figure stuff like this out as we just do not have all the information.

I do not believe in accidents. In everything that happens and everyone we meet, there is something there for us to look at, which is why I want to figure out today's incident so I can prevent it from happening again.

I think it might have something to do with my heart. Maybe it wasn't open and I was just rattling off what I had told others who had visited our office earlier. Maybe I didn't listen to them the way they needed to be heard. Today, I will take a deep breath and with each breath open my heart, and listen to others more carefully. Today, I will spend more energy on what is not seen.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/daniel_goleman_on_compassion.html

Long Time, No See

Sometimes, even though you may have your beacon on, and your eyes open, you miss some of the most important and life-changing moments that your life has to offer. It takes more than just living consciously to feel in-tuned with the Universe; The Universe that's inside as well as outside of us. It takes bravery and strength. Yes, just is case you didn't know, it takes bravery to face yourself head-on, and yes, strength, so that once you stumble onto a truth, that you are able to see it for what it is, claim it, absorb it, and then transform it into something that will move you toward evolving into the person you know yourself to be.

Life is ever-changing and will always be ever-changing. Just when we think we have a handle on it, something or someone will come along and prove us wrong. This is nothing new to most of you who might read this. Life is a struggle, but you know, it's okay. Whatever comes along, we will work through it. We will be okay.

Over and over I hear that blogging is narcissistic. Nah, I don't believe it. I think it is a reflective tool that can be used, and is used, like a journal, and more often believed that no one is reading any of the thoughts coming out of the writer. After all, if it is truly narcissistic, then that would mean nobody is reading and everybody is writing. After nearly three years absence, I've started blogging again, and who knows, maybe someone will see this post and ask me about my books, and if I have finished them. But if no one sees this, that's okay too.

My beacon is on, my eyes are open. I am brave and strong. I am a writer. I am here, now.